I don't kno if anyone wud evn care to read this. This is actually my second blog but with the first one still waiting to be inaugurated, this one bags the honour of being my first proper blog. I really don't kno why i decided upon starting a blog of my own....may b I had some innate desire to write...or may b I feel no one in the real world understands me! I feel that i can express myself better through writing n not verbally and this is primarily because of my being an introvert. rather...introvert wud nt be the right word here.....it shud be Overconscious! I tend to care to much about what others think of me, what sort of an impression am i giving or how do i come across as a person? i just cannot enjoy myself freely at a public place.......god only knows what happens my ever-so-carefree attitude thn! I am very terse and inarticulate when i speak....bt when i write...i become verbose...i write it in a flow,spontaneity....words just come out...thoughts emerge all by themselves. Either i am really bad at communicating or it is just tht don't push myself hard enough. Well this can be a start....even though a lame one!
I can claim to be the least creative person on the earth(though it'd be silly....coz i hvn't met tht many ppl). Though I'm surrounded by some very good ppl all around, have gr8 frnds, I still feel I'm still quite unexplored....most of the times,I surprise myself...i'm still trying to kno the real me. Am I a hypocrite?...narcissist?....haughty?...snobbish....hmm...may b...am nt too sure. Or is it just tht i don't wanna think of myself like tht.I smetimes feel like I jst try to b nice to evry1 and take evrything positively coz i want myself 2 feel like i'm a good n a generous person.....this is the part which confuses me the most...am i really tht good frm d inside or is it jst the desire to b known as a good person which lures me into behaving like tht? If its the latter one...thn tht'll b very selfish of me. or will it be? coz i'd be the same to the people either way. But then i also strongly believe that anything which is done by anyone is for selfish reasons....evn if he does it for sme1 else's good......it is ultimately done to satisfy his own conscience, to make him feel good abt himself. So is this a common trait or jst unique to me?Again, i'd hate to think tht way for myself...so i'll smehow manage to find reasons to deny tht.....n thts an inborn trait in me.:D Is all tht coz of overconfidence? too much pride abt nothing?.....hehe...wht an irony!...confidence is wht i consider as the trait i lack the most...n here i am calling myself overconfident.....pretty strange to realise tht both the things can very well b present in a person at the same time!I don't like to socialise much, love being alone, laziest person alive....oh yeah!...can claim tht title with gr8 conviction!
gosh! i can go on and on abt myself forevr :D....i dunno y i can't keep my mind free so tht i can concentrate on othr meaningful things rather thn continuously observing others' and my own behaviours n reactions....i'm always thinking...always!...evry waking minute of mine is spent in thinking, most of which is rubbish....thinking too many things at the same time.....this is y most of the ppl take me or pass me off as absent-minded. Usually, my carefree attitude breaks all the barriers and it becomes more like an utterly careless attitude towards evrything- life,parents,friends,career,studies. Calling myself lazy thn wud b jst a euphemism!
Why am i so ambiguous?so indecisive and so unsure about myself.....evn after 21 years of existence?
Do i lack the will power? Why can't i stop being so lenient and keep a tab on myself? I strongly believe in the phrase "it's all in the mind". We can control everything concerning ourselves with our mind......be it our breathing, anger,feelings... even our pulse. We can even heal ourselves through the power of our mind........coz this is where faith originates from,the mind! And faith can heal the most grievous of pains, overcome the most trying of circumstances.
So, why can't i just force myself into believing anything i want to? or wud love to believe? is it coz i'm already aware of the truth that it is nothing but just a state of mind!? Again, the answer would be.......i don't know!(or am i just pretending not to know?)
the exploration continues.........
