My life is full of inconsistencies...or rather i'm full of them. i act so ambiguous...so indecisive and strange, all at the same time. Here is one of those inconsistencies(which i'm aware of!)
I am usually very subdued and quiet in normal routines of life....but once i set my feet inside a sports field, be it cricket, basketball, or any othr sport for tht matter, i automatically become very aggressive, fearless...i smetimes find it hard to believe tht way i act then. Smething inside me just boosts me up to levels i wudn't othrwise go, no matter wht. Or to generalise it further, its not only a sports field but anywhere where i can prove my competency, i become aggressive......i can't exactly answer why! May be coz i'm essentially that competetive by nature, but if thts the real me thn why don't i act tht way normally?. Do i fear failure in areas i feel less competent or if i'm tht aggressive from the inside...why don't i vent out....or is thr a D-day assigned to it too....for me to burst out!?
If i'm unhappy with smething i just keep it to myself...don't convey fearing tht the othr person may feel disappointed or unhappy. If i'm angry.....i don't just vent it out....i keep raging inside(not for long though) bt stay calm on the outside.....while it may look like a good trait ...i fear its long-term consequences......Am i becoming more of a spineless person?......a meek...one who can not standup for what he believes in? Is that anyhow lowering my self-esteem?
Though i am very particular abt how evrything in the world shud be(i'm basically an idealist)...bt still let evrything be..i let go of ppl if they want, as if i'm not at all attached to them..or never was.Although I have an opinion on evrything....which thankfully remains unaffected by others' opinions, evn if othrs are unhappy wid it, but still i don't show it..rather i act as if i've bought their way of thinking....again coz of the fear of being taken wrong!....Am i deceiving them that way? Though whenever i feel that someone is taking an extremely 'wrong' point of view i do stand up for what i feel stongly...it is usually on topics which have got nothing to do with us personally. I am very diplomatic and try to stay politically correct when it's got smething to do wid my opinion on ppl...even with those who're very close to me....and tht is not a good thing(even if it makes smeone happy). Is it just coz i've become overtly optimist..(hopelessly optimist?) that i manage to find good in evrything( trying to score brownie points) and ignore all that is wrong? Why don't i open up even to those whom i have so much faith in?
i dunno where this is going.....so i'll stop it here!
P.S-Though most of my posts may seem to have a pessimistic undertone, i'm an eternal optimist!....its just that i feel relieved after writing down my thoughts!, and this way i'm just trying to make up for being so eccentric and introverted all this while.
