My life is full of inconsistencies...or rather i'm full of them. i act so ambiguous...so indecisive and strange, all at the same time. Here is one of those inconsistencies(which i'm aware of!)
I am usually very subdued and quiet in normal routines of life....but once i set my feet inside a sports field, be it cricket, basketball, or any othr sport for tht matter, i automatically become very aggressive, fearless...i smetimes find it hard to believe tht way i act then. Smething inside me just boosts me up to levels i wudn't othrwise go, no matter wht. Or to generalise it further, its not only a sports field but anywhere where i can prove my competency, i become aggressive......i can't exactly answer why! May be coz i'm essentially that competetive by nature, but if thts the real me thn why don't i act tht way normally?. Do i fear failure in areas i feel less competent or if i'm tht aggressive from the inside...why don't i vent out....or is thr a D-day assigned to it too....for me to burst out!?
If i'm unhappy with smething i just keep it to myself...don't convey fearing tht the othr person may feel disappointed or unhappy. If i'm angry.....i don't just vent it out....i keep raging inside(not for long though) bt stay calm on the outside.....while it may look like a good trait ...i fear its long-term consequences......Am i becoming more of a spineless person?......a meek...one who can not standup for what he believes in? Is that anyhow lowering my self-esteem?
Though i am very particular abt how evrything in the world shud be(i'm basically an idealist)...bt still let evrything be..i let go of ppl if they want, as if i'm not at all attached to them..or never was.Although I have an opinion on evrything....which thankfully remains unaffected by others' opinions, evn if othrs are unhappy wid it, but still i don't show it..rather i act as if i've bought their way of thinking....again coz of the fear of being taken wrong!....Am i deceiving them that way? Though whenever i feel that someone is taking an extremely 'wrong' point of view i do stand up for what i feel stongly...it is usually on topics which have got nothing to do with us personally. I am very diplomatic and try to stay politically correct when it's got smething to do wid my opinion on ppl...even with those who're very close to me....and tht is not a good thing(even if it makes smeone happy). Is it just coz i've become overtly optimist..(hopelessly optimist?) that i manage to find good in evrything( trying to score brownie points) and ignore all that is wrong? Why don't i open up even to those whom i have so much faith in?
i dunno where this is going.....so i'll stop it here!
P.S-Though most of my posts may seem to have a pessimistic undertone, i'm an eternal optimist!....its just that i feel relieved after writing down my thoughts!, and this way i'm just trying to make up for being so eccentric and introverted all this while.
6 comments:
You are just on your way to knowing yourself better. It's just like when you do an chemistry experiment many-a-time, you get different colors and solutions. Only once you master the reaction, you get the same result. You get another new reaction, and the inconsistency is seen again! :)
I will give you an instance from my life. I am generally not aggressive, even if people are talking about a topic as if they know everything, but are discussing rubbish. Why? Not because I fear anything, but because I think its just not related to me. Why should I bother! And inside I'd be getting this funny feeling of intervening, but outside I'd tell myself not to coz it doesnt bother me. I've never ever understood this part about me. but well, I live with it! :) :P
And it doesn't have a pessimistic tone at all. It is just about you exploring your inner self. And it feels so much better to just write everything down. I know! :)
Keep it coming!..
yea..prob thts the best xplanation 4 it....learning frm xperiences...trial n error..hmm
n yes..it often happens wid me too ....certain discussions r way too tempting 2 resist :D
n i'll continue blogging....i'm loving it...thanks 2 u! :)
:) Thanks to me?! Arre, you write well, you just needed a medium to write!..
And hmm..it was supposed to be "a chemistry experiment", what the hell, these Chinese are now influencing my English too!
And sorry for using just my nickname. I don't wanna log in coz i somehow can't open blogger and am using a proxy! :)
hehe..wo 'an' to maine bhi notice nahi kiya tha :D
i thanked u coz i was inspired 2 start blogging after reading ur blogs re :P
though won't be regular in updating coz i'm a bit busy these days....probably till i get in2 sme good insti :D
hmm..am sure you will get into a v good college soon!..keep me updated! :)
N welcome! :D :P
Kya bhe, write more! I've been waiting!!
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